This is not the post i was hoping to start out on tonight but the last couple of weeks have been revelatory on how people treat other people they call thier friends. I really wish someone had told me as a kid that i would have people in my life that would try to control their friendship with me by saying horrible out of character things (such as the need to be with me all day almost EVERY day) as a means of control and manipulation. I am sick of emotionally needy people trying to control me. I also just need an extended break from peoples’ emotional states and all that stuff. i’m not sure what it is about me that attracts these people in droves but i wish i could get positive thinking people in my life without all the drama. I now think i’m just a one of a kind autistic because of the fact that almost all the other autistics i’ve met have been emotionally and mentally immature for their age(this is NOT a putdown or being slanderous it’s just an observation). The wierd thing about this particular friend is that i can’t be ANYWHERE other than where he is at for less than 5 minutes before he starts coping an attitude. If i talk with other people who are nearby but not sitting in the same place he gets irate and goes on a verbal tirade about how i supposedly don’t “care for him anymore”(those where his words). so recently i just decided that it would be best for me just to take a break from talking with him and just to do my own thing (even though it may make his attitude towards me worse in the short term) Oh and i can forget about getting closer to any of his friends than to him because that will make him even more clingy and i won’t hear the end of it. i know this post seems like kind of a rant but i feel i need to get this info out there just in case anyone has dealt with this kind of person and what to do about it. More positive topics are to follow but this is all i could come up with at this time(anymore it seems like i have to be actively thinking about something in my life that will trigger me to write something but i guess it’s a part of my disability (sorry for that old tired cliche but it is true in this case). well now that’s off my chest and i can get to post more positive informative subjects in the future.
Recent events in my life have made me look at “normal” people in a whole different (and not so positive) light. People are WAY to ignorant for their own good when it comes to dealing with the invisibly disabled and that causes all sorts of stress in our lives. i’m talking about implied discrimination as well as the overt kind here. A few examples such as favoring a certain person or group of people because they DON’T have the same handicaps and treating the others who are outside that group worse because of it. i REALLY am getting sick and TIRED of this crap and it creates division and conflict where there shouldn’t be any. how this relates to me is that by being autistic i am by default on the outside of the groups and society as well and it makes it significantly more difficult to get on in life because by being on the outside you are automatically seen as less than they are. This translates to real world hardships such as lower wages and a lesser quality of life. I really wish society would realise that the type of handicap or disability is NOT a choice. I did not choose to be autistic, ADD and legally blind they just happened and being hateful or discriminatory to me on that basis should be punishable in some way because it’s no different that singling me out because of race or eye color. my disabilities go just as deep as those two examples and i really wish people weren’t so caught up in the (whatever it is that people observe about me that makes them think ‘this person isn’t like me and i will dehumanize them for it). And yet autistics are told ALL the time that the “experts” know a lot about autism and that we should trust them. i’m sorry but when you have scientists who only look for a CURE and not better treatments or support i feel threatened and unwanted because of my existence in a world that doesn’t want me and thinks they could do better without me. I just want to say that hurts more deeply on an emotional level than anyone could ever imagine. it makes me feel worthless and unworthy of life on an almost daily basis because of autism (something i was born with) and i wish they could see how they look through my eyes collectively and then they would know what normalistic intolerant people they really are. Some people talk about being an outsider but they are lying though because they wouldn’t know what being on the outside of society and social circles is really like. It’s isolating and desolate truly being on the outside of society. If i”m included in some conversations people may be superfically nice to me but talk to one another behind my back when i’m not around and it makes me feel like i don’t matter because of being autistic.